A certain vice-presidential candidate called all childless women “Cat ladies.” Similar slurs at the workplace that sound jokey often cut deep.
Verbal harassment, including name calling, derogatory references, and put downs make up a form of workplace bullying that is often targeted at women, and more often than not there’s a power imbalance that favors the bully.
When someone bullies you, it’s always more about them than you. Bullying comes from a place of insecurity, jealousy, a need for control, or all three. Workplace bullying can be both openly hostile, or it can take on more subtle attributes. It can include piling on more work than you can handle, picking apart your performance, belittling you in front of coworkers, mocking, using derogatory slurs, and so on. Workplace bullying is, in some ways, not all that different from playground bullying — except the perpetrator is older and should know better.
As women, we’re conditioned to play nice, which makes us easy victims at times. We are perceived as less likely to retaliate. But if an office bully makes you doubt your abilities or destroys your morale, it’s time to take back your power, even — no, especially — if it involves a bully that’s higher up in the organization.
Before taking the official path and reporting the bullying to a manager or to HR, you may be able to curtail the abuse through your own devices — and in the process show the bully that you refuse to be tyrannized.
Use these strategies to stand up for yourself and confront any intimidation by a bully:
1. Call out the aggression
When an offensive term or statement is used about you, it’s understandable if it leaves you stunned and speechless. You’re left, mouth agape, trying to process what you just heard. But as soon as you’re able to recover, call out the aggression. Say, “I don’t appreciate being called that.” Doing so establishes a boundary with the bully for what you will and will not put up with.
2. Summon the courage to discuss the behavior.
For repeat incidents, find a time to calmly and directly confront the bully. If a face-to-face conversation makes you uncomfortable, pick up the phone or send a short, matter-of-fact email. Use “I” messages to minimize defensiveness by the bully and say how the demeaning remarks make you feel: “I feel you’re trying to make me look incompetent.” Listen to what the bully has to say for himself. Keep the interaction brief and to the point. Try to wrap up the conversation without getting defensive or aggressive. There’s no point in trying to beat the bully at his own game.
3. Find allies
Especially when the bullying taking place is gender-based, women victims will likely find that they’re not alone. Reach out to your female coworkers to find out what they’re experiencing and learn how they’ve handled it. Knowing that others at your company have had similar experiences won’t make the problem disappear, but at least you can find solidarity and support when the incidents happen.
4. Build professional rapport with the bully
While it may seem counterintuitive to put yourself in closer proximity with your bully, working alongside him could not only give you insight into his own abilities and character, but let you prove that it’s better to have you as a worthy associate than a detested enemy. Try to place yourself in a team assignment that the bully is involved in — but not in any one-on-one situations for safety and self-preservation reasons. This strategy takes a lot of tactical discernment. You’ll need to pay attention to what triggers set off the bully’s aggressiveness and avoid them. For example, stifle any over-assertiveness or argumentativeness. Channel your calm, collected warrior-ness.
5. Treat others with respect
Model the behavior you wish the bully would portray. Thank your assistant. Offer to close out a team deliverable so a colleague can pick up her child from school. Be the breath of fresh air that the bully sucks out of the room. Become the go-to person with whom everyone enjoys working. It may tamp down the bullying and, who knows, you could even snag a promotion.
You may put all these strategies into play — stating how the behavior makes you feel, managing your emotions, building respect and support around you — and still find no change in the bullying. Unfortunately, some aggressors are fanatical in their hostility. If the antagonism and trauma become unbearable, you need to take your case up the chain of command. Look into the proper protocols for reporting workplace bullying in your organization. Document your interactions with the bully. Include the names of any witnesses.
If your company doesn’t adequately address your concerns, you may have to get outside help from legal counsel or an employee assistance program.
Stand firm in the conviction that you don’t have to put up with workplace bullying.
