We recently chatted with Fran Hauser, author of The Myth of the Nice Girl, which came out in 2018 and was Audibleโs Top Business Book of the Year of 2018, and Embrace the Work, Love your Career, stemming from decades working in senior leadership positions at Time Inc.โs People, InStyle and Entertainment Weekly as well as at AOL and Coca-Cola Enterprises.
Below is an adapted portion of our discussion, capturing Franโs insights on elevating ourselves by creating boundaries and changing the language we use.
A peer of mine once called me out, โFran, do you realize you apologize a lot?โ I didnโt believe her.
So I went into my inbox and I searched the word โsorryโ. Literally hundreds and hundreds of emails came back, and I saw I was apologizing for trivial things that I shouldnโt t be apologizing for. Things like, โIโm so sorry itโs taken me so long to get back to you,โ or โIโm so sorry, Iโm not going to be able to attend that,โ or โIโm so sorry.โ I would even start emails with โIโm sorryโ.
But I realized I could often replace โIโm sorryโ with โthank youโ, such as โthank you for thinking of meโ, and then explaining why Iโm heads down working on something, or โthank you for your patience,โ or, โthank you for understanding.โ
Thereโs a great Chrome extension called Just Not Sorry created by a female engineer, Tammy Reese, which has been downloaded a half a million times.
Anytime you type the word โsorryโ, it alerts you, and asks if you really want to use the word. I used that extension for a full year to wean off of saying โIโm sorryโ.
Coming up with processes is helpful. Rereading emails before hitting send is another practice I use, and I also asked a friend to be my accountability buddy, kick me under the table in meetings, and be there for me.
I also think about how we use the word โjustโ, such as, โIโm just checking in.โ My initial inclination is to include it, so I constantly go back to delete it. I like to please, and this is one of the downsides of that characteristic โ โIโm just checking inโ.
The feedback Iโd received changed the way I approached communication. It was a huge change for me to acknowledge this is something I do. Itโs a speech weakness, itโs not good, and puts me in a position of weakness.
I posted on Instagram Instagram post on this saying โnoโ and creating boundaries. Why do we have such a hard time saying โnoโ? What I learned from women I interviewed for my book is that itโs really complicated. It could be everything from people-pleasing, to FOMO, to coming back from parental leave and wanting to show you can still do it all. For some of us itโs wanting to retain control over the situation and do it ourselves, because we know itโs going to get done well versus delegating it to someone else.
Despite the many reasons, the first step is to understand why you donโt say โnoโ. For me. itโs people-pleasing. If I get a request in my inbox, my knee-jerk reaction is always to โyesโ. Now I check in with myself and ask if Iโm saying โyesโ because I feel bad saying โnoโ, or because itโs aligned with my priorities, itโs strategic, or itโs something that will bring me joy?
Having this awareness before you say โyesโ is really important.
If you do decide that itโs a โnoโ, your response can be short and sweet. Donโt over explain, or write three paragraphs one why you canโt do something. Itโs a line or two, โThank you for thinking of me,โ not, โIโm sorry.โ
When I was writing this book, I would say โIโm heads down working on my book, building my business,โ or โIโm heads down working on this project, so I wonโt be able to participate. But I wish you all the best,โ or โIโm cheering for you from the sidelines.โ Whatever it is, thatโs it. Thatโs your โnoโ.
What I like about that is itโs kind, itโs direct, and because itโs so short, youโre not sharing so much information that it gives the other person an opportunity to negotiate with you. The more you share, the more they may try to figure out a way to turn it into a โyesโ.
Whatโs also helpful is communicating that itโs โnoโ for now. You could say, โThis is something that I might be able to fit in. Letโs check back in a month or two.โ It doesnโt have to be โnoโ forever.
It doesnโt have to shut the door on an opportunity, a feeling that often prevents people from really saying โnoโ.
Thereโs a sweet spot between โyesโ and โnoโ โ โI canโt do that, but I can do this,โ or โUnfortunately I canโt attend the event, but Iโd be happy to promote it,โ or โI canโt join that committee, but I have an idea of somebody who I think would be great and Iโd love to reach out to them on your behalf.โ
Instead of something that could take hours of your time, itโs 10 minutes and youโre still being helpful.
Lastly, donโt respond right away. Give yourself time to really let it sit.
A couple of months ago I said yes to something because it sounded so neat. An author was writing a fiction book and wanted to base one of the characters on me. How interesting! So I said yes, and since then I havenโt been able to make the time to work on it.
I backed out this past week, and I did it in a kind way. I was honest and I said, โI want to be helpful, but what Iโm finding is that every time I try to start working on this project, I end up getting distracted with other things that I have on my plate. Iโd rather be honest with you now versus moving too far along in this project.โ
I did offer to find other women that might be good. But honestly I wish I had just said no from the beginning because of all the time that Iโd wasted.
Create boundaries and visualize setting a fence around the things that really matter. Where do you want to be spending your time? Then, when you look at where youโre spending your time and qualify whether the two are aligned. If itโs not, do something about it.