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11/30/22 | Career, Leadership

Stop saying โ€œsorryโ€. Start saying โ€œnoโ€.

We recently chatted with Fran Hauser, author of The Myth of the Nice Girl, which came out in 2018 and was Audibleโ€™s Top Business Book of the Year of 2018, and Embrace the Work, Love your Career, stemming from decades working in senior leadership positions at Time Inc.โ€™s People, InStyle and Entertainment Weekly as well as at AOL and Coca-Cola Enterprises.

Below is an adapted portion of our discussion, capturing Franโ€™s insights on elevating ourselves by creating boundaries and changing the language we use.


A peer of mine once called me out, โ€œFran, do you realize you apologize a lot?โ€ I didnโ€™t believe her.

So I went into my inbox and I searched the word โ€œsorryโ€. Literally hundreds and hundreds of emails came back, and I saw I was apologizing for trivial things that I shouldnโ€™t t be apologizing for. Things like, โ€œIโ€™m so sorry itโ€™s taken me so long to get back to you,โ€ or โ€œIโ€™m so sorry, Iโ€™m not going to be able to attend that,โ€ or โ€œIโ€™m so sorry.โ€ I would even start emails with โ€œIโ€™m sorryโ€. 

But I realized I could often replace โ€œIโ€™m sorryโ€ with โ€œthank youโ€, such as โ€œthank you for thinking of meโ€, and then explaining why Iโ€™m heads down working on something, or โ€œthank you for your patience,โ€ or, โ€œthank you for understanding.โ€

Thereโ€™s a great Chrome extension called Just Not Sorry created by a female engineer, Tammy Reese, which has been downloaded a half a million times.

Anytime you type the word โ€œsorryโ€, it alerts you, and asks if you really want to use the word. I used that extension for a full year to wean off of saying โ€œIโ€™m sorryโ€. 

Coming up with processes is helpful. Rereading emails before hitting send is another practice I use, and I also asked a friend to be my accountability buddy, kick me under the table in meetings, and be there for me. 

I also think about how we use the word โ€œjustโ€, such as, โ€œIโ€™m just checking in.โ€ My initial inclination is to include it, so I constantly go back to delete it. I like to please, and this is one of the downsides of that characteristic โ€“ โ€œIโ€™m just checking inโ€.

The feedback Iโ€™d received changed the way I approached communication. It was a huge change for me to acknowledge this is something I do. Itโ€™s a speech weakness, itโ€™s not good, and puts me in a position of weakness.  

I posted on Instagram Instagram post on this saying โ€œnoโ€ and creating boundaries. Why do we have such a hard time saying โ€œnoโ€? What I learned from women I interviewed for my book is that itโ€™s really complicated. It could be everything from people-pleasing, to FOMO, to coming back from parental leave and wanting to show you can still do it all. For some of us itโ€™s wanting to retain control over the situation and do it ourselves, because we know itโ€™s going to get done well versus delegating it to someone else.

Despite the many reasons, the first step is to understand why you donโ€™t say โ€œnoโ€. For me. itโ€™s people-pleasing. If I get a request in my inbox, my knee-jerk reaction is always to โ€œyesโ€. Now I check in with myself and ask if Iโ€™m saying โ€œyesโ€ because I feel bad saying โ€œnoโ€, or because itโ€™s aligned with my priorities, itโ€™s strategic, or itโ€™s something that will bring me joy? 

Having this awareness before you say โ€œyesโ€ is really important. 

If you do decide that itโ€™s a โ€œnoโ€, your response can be short and sweet. Donโ€™t over explain, or write three paragraphs one why you canโ€™t do something. Itโ€™s a line or two, โ€œThank you for thinking of me,โ€ not, โ€œIโ€™m sorry.โ€

When I was writing this book, I would say โ€œIโ€™m heads down working on my book, building my business,โ€ or โ€œIโ€™m heads down working on this project, so I wonโ€™t be able to participate. But I wish you all the best,โ€ or โ€œIโ€™m cheering for you from the sidelines.โ€ Whatever it is, thatโ€™s it. Thatโ€™s your โ€œnoโ€.

What I like about that is itโ€™s kind, itโ€™s direct, and because itโ€™s so short, youโ€™re not sharing so much information that it gives the other person an opportunity to negotiate with you. The more you share, the more they may try to figure out a way to turn it into a โ€œyesโ€.

Whatโ€™s also helpful is communicating that itโ€™s โ€œnoโ€ for now. You could say, โ€œThis is something that I might be able to fit in. Letโ€™s check back in a month or two.โ€ It doesnโ€™t have to be โ€œnoโ€ forever.

It doesnโ€™t have to shut the door on an opportunity, a feeling that often prevents people from really saying โ€œnoโ€. 

Thereโ€™s a sweet spot between โ€œyesโ€ and โ€œnoโ€ โ€“ โ€œI canโ€™t do that, but I can do this,โ€ or โ€œUnfortunately I canโ€™t attend the event, but Iโ€™d be happy to promote it,โ€ or โ€œI canโ€™t join that committee, but I have an idea of somebody who I think would be great and Iโ€™d love to reach out to them on your behalf.โ€ 

Instead of something that could take hours of your time, itโ€™s 10 minutes and youโ€™re still being helpful. 

Lastly, donโ€™t respond right away. Give yourself time to really let it sit.

A couple of months ago I said yes to something because it sounded so neat. An author was writing a fiction book and wanted to base one of the characters on me. How interesting! So I said yes, and since then I havenโ€™t been able to make the time to work on it.

I backed out this past week, and I did it in a kind way. I was honest and I said, โ€œI want to be helpful, but what Iโ€™m finding is that every time I try to start working on this project, I end up getting distracted with other things that I have on my plate. Iโ€™d rather be honest with you now versus moving too far along in this project.โ€ 

I did offer to find other women that might be good. But honestly I wish I had just said no from the beginning because of all the time that Iโ€™d wasted. 

Create boundaries and visualize setting a fence around the things that really matter. Where do you want to be spending your time? Then, when you look at where youโ€™re spending your time and qualify whether the two are aligned. If itโ€™s not, do something about it. 

Editor

Editor

The Switch Editorial Team.

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